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At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
I don’t know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese’s to a box of tampons could literally save lives.
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the internet.
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I`m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.
Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…
I can think of other ways to eat fresh, but I`ll settle for this subway sandwich.
It’s not my fault God gave you boobs to stare at.