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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
Somehow, we`ve got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.
"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
I don`t play sports, the only sport I play is shopping. But there`s a lot of walking involved in that. Running sometimes if there`s a sale.
Lots of people waiting in lines today. Did a new iPhone just come out?
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
I`m not saying we should kill all the incompetent people. I`m simply suggesting we remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.
Face down, a$$ up ... that`s the way I tie my shoes.
Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.
I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what the other half is for?
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days..
I see you’re playing stupid. Looks like you’re winning too.
You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That`s why I`m happier than you