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If gas prices keep going up I`m cutting off the bottom of my car and I`m "Flintstoning" That mf!
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody`s pants.
When all else fails… Pizza & Beer.
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
Cool thing about winter is after grocery shopping your car can double as your refrigerator.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
I stopped watching the History Channel because it`s so outdated.
Kinda hard to believe not a single mutant at professor Xavier’s school had the power to heal a dude’s legs.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Facebook is the reason why my work is not done.