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To those girls who always put"CRYING" at the end of every status, seriously what do you expect us to do, inbox you a tissue?
Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
the jeremy kyle show, the only place you`ll see a six month old baby with more teeth than thier parents
It`s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I`m afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
The less you know, the more you think you do.