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Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I can`t wait to get home and have make-up sex! ... I`ve been arguing all day with myself.
there`s only 2 things in life you have control in changing that is your attitude and a kids diaper.. which at times both can be the equivalent of the other..
I don`t know why people say life is short....this seems to be taking forever.
My brain has too many tabs open.
Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
Dear whoever is playing sweet child o` mine at 2:30 in the night at full blaring volume to disturb the whole neighborhood......NICE!
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes
Baby Polar Bear: Mommy, am I really a Polar Bear? Mother: Of course you are. Why? Baby Polar Bear: `Cause I`m fukcing freezing!"
Hope dogs are kissing us and not trying to see if we started tasting good yet.