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Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don`t eat anything else today and tomorrow.
I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
Sweetie, if your gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty!
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
If you needed to wear camouflage in a gingerbread house, would you wear ginger snaps?
I wonder if I could get a job as a babysitter if I referenced my Facebook group admin experience.
I won employee of the month!!!…. again! I love being self employed.