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If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
Since there’s only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
I am one of those people who presses every button in the elevator when I`m getting out =]
Facebook: an alternative to drunk dialing.
Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you’re an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
Fashion is what you call hideous clothes that are really expensive
The most impressive thing about how cowboys used to have showdowns at high noon is that they could get two people to be on time to something
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now
Adult movies now available in 3D?!? Some thing I just don`t want to see flying at my face.
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.