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People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? ... Turkey bacon."
says, I am not an alcoholic. I am a social drinker. Problem is, I socialize too much!
At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don’t trust women.
I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
Coffee`s a great way to fool yourself into believing you`re going to have a productive day.
Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard... PILLOW FIGHT!
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt