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All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
Of course your opinion matters. Just not to me.
When you write misspelled backwards it`s misspelled.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
LIKE IF you… walk into a room, forget what you need, walk out, and then remember.
Is there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn`t fully charged? There should be.
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
I`ll never fall in love untill and unless love falls on me!
Relationships are not a test... So why cheat?
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.
I`m at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.