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I don’t have an attitude problem… You have a problem with my attitude… That’s your problem, not mine.
Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
I have many thoughts. I just can´t remember any of them.
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
So what if I`m single now ... I mean it can`t be that hard to boil toast, can it?
Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it`s just a diagnosis.
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov`t gets $40...
If you´re cooler than me, doesnt that make me hotter than you?
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!
Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet