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I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.
it`s not that I`m bad at remembering names, I`m just awesome at forgetting them.
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
Still don`t understand why you can`t end a company-wide email with, `Later b*tches.`
I just found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock,,,, people expect less of you.
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
yelling at the referee that he made a mistake has never worked, No Referee has never turned around and said, "Why yes your are right silly me I did make a mistake, penalty denied, goal kick"
People who say "Don`t mix drugs with alcohol"" ... they`re stupid, right?
Does this couch I`m laying on make me look unmotivated?
Happy 15th birthday google, 3 more years and you will be able to search for adult sites legally
Ya know what I really hate about mornings? People start talking to me!
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.