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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
I hate it when people beg for likes, like if you agree?
I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
What`s the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller" ?
Hey I just met you, and this is crazy. But add me on Facebook and I`ll stalk you (maybe)
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
I wonder if Batman knows that other cities have crime, too.
OMG, you`re huge! There`s no way you`ll fit inside me.- My clothes probably.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
Thank God I finally found love! Its on Page 126 in the dictionary.
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
SEX! Now that I got your attention. I just wanted to say, "Have a great weekend!"