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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
I don`t believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
If kids get money for losing teeth, what do I get for all this hair I’m losing?
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
I don`t need WebMD to tell me what`s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.