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Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
Whats the difference between a phone number & an opinion? People ask for your phone number.
Okay, let’s get this straight. There’s no way everone here has the best boyfriend in the world.
When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
You say stalker. I say unpaid private investigator.
If you are naughty go to your room, if you wanna be naughty go to mine :)
Ah man... i don`t have any notifications... better go check another computer
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker...
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
It doesn`t matter if you don`t like my personality... I have several more!
Marriage...betting someone half your stuff you`ll love them forever.
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
on a scale of 1-10 how honest are you? I would say 10 but then i would be lying!