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I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
My New Year`s resolution for 2014 is to do something about my procrastination.
Saying the word "awkward" in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it.
Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
2 can keep a secret if one of them is dead...
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service
I want to put a bib on a baby that says "This dumbass put my cape on backwards." lol
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!