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Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, get wasted all the time and have the time of your life!
You call it "Blacking Out" I call it a "Surprise Nap"
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
Would stiff nipples be a good name for my air conditioning company?
The Fourth of July was an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.?
What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use your bank account?
Pork is awesome, but it`s best when used as a verb.
I`m laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I`m in "downward facing chalk outline".
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.
Why is it always the same person getting in your way from start to checkout at the grocery store?
Shouldn`t old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?