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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.
Personally, I believe that around 93% of the world`s population should run with scissors.
There were only 3 commandments until Moses’ wife got involved.
You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
That awkward moment when you go for a run and your boobs start to bounce up and down.......and you`re a guy.
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
Running away does not help with the problems unless you are fat
Facebook needs a "settle down" button.. You tap on a friend`s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately..
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
A nice kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.
i like boobs
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.