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Have you heard about the new movie called constipation? It hasn`t come out yet.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
I always try to behave on Friday nights but there are usually too many other options.
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
You know it`s time to delete Facebook when your mom, dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents etc... is on it.
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.