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Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
I’d get a lot more sleep if I didn’t insist on reading the entire internet every night.
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
You look in good shape!!! Round is a shape isn`t it???
1, 2 Freddie´s coming for u 3, 4 better lock the door 5, 6 grab your crucifix 7, 8 gotta say up late 9, 10 never sleep again
I just came online to check the weather. That was 12 years ago.
My anger management class pisses me off