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If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
Yoga pants are just push up bras for your butt.
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
We spend so much money on buying different clothes... without realizing the best moments are spent without clothes
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Why is it called Boob Sweat and not Humiditties?
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...
The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!