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I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high.
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
It`s really quite simple ... I do what I want! ... The End.
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
I’m that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one.
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.
The point is... Is Imma hug you like a panda nd you`re gunna like it.!(: