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Dieting is for the birds. Which is why you hardly ever see a fat bird.
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.
This girl next to me in class has a piece of tape over her laptop webcam. This can only mean she’s made some serious mistakes in her past…
I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
did you notice when you yell "yo ugly" about 10 people turn around
B!tch, I will slap you by accident on purpose.
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
some mornings i wish i could sneak up behind my alarm clock and say, "HOW DOES IT FEEL?!!"
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I`ve been so quiet.
I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That`s it. No more reading!
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.