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I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
My tricks aren`t for kids.
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the hell are you doing?
I haven`t gotten laid in so long, you`d swear I`ve been wearing Crocs all this time.
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.