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It was awkward when she said, "And yet your feet are so big."
There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
the only correct answer to are u ticklish? is i have explosive diareha right now
Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Why has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
If all the world´s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
Maybe don`t show me a picture if you don`t want me to rate your baby.