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If you think you aren`t creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
Sometimes I wish I could officially change "Hump Day" into "Smack-A-Dumb-Bitch-In-The-Face" Day.
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
Today, I`m really gonna give it my nothing
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Next time a guy says he wants to fight you, just say "not in that outfit!" and roller skate away
I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.
I Like this quote. I dislike this quote. I am so clever that sometimes I don´t understand a single word of what I am saying.
One fun way to describe Facebook is “imagine you are a mind reader in Walmart.”
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around and THAT`S what it`s all about