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Life is beautiful ...... but Monday`s suck all the way around.
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
"Hey, man, just called to see when you`re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too." -Radio Stations
My car said "low on fuel"..I replied "low on cash"..I`m still waiting for a reply..
stupidity is a privelege entitled to everyone but you my dear are abusing this right
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
I was just thinking, which is the biggest thing I plan on accomplishing today.
"Half a dozen" because saying `6` is way too long...
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.