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I look forward to the day that cell phone technology finally catches up with technology in digital watches and they release a model that is water resistant up to 100 meters.
Ladys, if you`re in an argument with a guy and there`s no may to win. Start playing with your boobs...works every time.
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
Studies show that people with high sex drives also tend to be very forgetful. Did I tell you guys that already?
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
Apparently typos only become visible to the human eye after you hit send.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.
Just once I want my skills to be so urgently required that a helicopter is dispatched to pick me up.