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There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
At long last, I`ve finished my research into the effect alcohol has on physical movement.....The results were, quite frankly, staggering.
I wish, just once, I could actually hit the pedestrian crossing the road slow with the "what`re gonna do, hit me" look on their face.
I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
Currently in the planning stages for a hangover.
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
I get so tired of the same old BS...can´t I get a little BS variety?
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.