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My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
I’m giving up on the silent treatment. ...Going to start talking to myself again.
Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven`t even seen me in bed yet.
Today everything gets answered by the magic eight ball
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
Do athletic people not know about Netflix?
I`ve been waiting all winter to complain about the summer heat
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!