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Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
The phrase "don`t take this the wrong way" has zero % success rate
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
If your friends don`t make fun of you, they`re not really your friends.
I`m obviously smarter than you`re
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they`ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what`s really going on
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
Man cannot live on bread alone ... hence beer and stuff.
I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.
Do you ever just look at someone and think "Wow, let me take off your pants."