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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
I`m not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Ah man... i don`t have any notifications... better go check another computer
lifes like a box of chocolates, never know whatcha gonna get (:
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
A new day : the possibilities, endless. the funds, insufficient.
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Honey, You really don`t need to drive me crazy, I am close enough to walk.
Posting a status update before responding to someone`s text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.