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I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Nice try salad bars, there`s only one kinda bar I plan on attending.
FYI, Target does not give prizes, no matter how many bullseyes you hit in the store with a paintball gun
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?