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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Iām just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
I like pressing F5. It`s so refreshing.
If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.
I`m single by choice. Not MY choice. But it`s still a choice
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I`ve been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison
An empty fridge is a sad fridge.
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole