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I got called pretty today! Well actually the full statement was "you`re pretty annoying!" But I only focus on positive things
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys.
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
Does eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.
Velcro is a ripoff
I`m certain that the reason for Wasps, Hornets, and Yellowjackets was to remind grown men that they can still scream like a little girl.
Of course bears sh!t in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
My bed is half full - Lonely optimist.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.