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School taught me a lot of stuff, but the most useful was how to get ready in 15 minutes
She walked in & she had legs, legs that went on for days. Who knows where they went? They just kept wenting. - Why my mystery novel failed
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
I don`t get it, no matter how many times I call `shotgun` the cops always put me in the backseat.
I`m so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"
It takes two people to lie....one to lie.....the other to listen
Why is it called a "personal trainer", instead of an "exercist"?
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
I love buying a $1 burger and getting $2 worth of mayo...
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
I don`t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I wouldn`t say I "missed" your call.
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the sh!t out of you.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.