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Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
There is something so unique about me, that even I can`t figure it out...
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
Abbreviation is an unnecessarily long word.
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do ...
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
For the past 3 years I have been planning to write an article on Procrastination!!!