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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
thinks there are times when your the most beautiful girl in the world, and there are times when I’m sober.
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
If your phone doesn´t ring it´s me.
The old saying "I wouldn`t wish this on my worst enemy"... Clearly you have forgotten why they are your worst enemy.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
I`m the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.
Can I get likes for no reason?
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.