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If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
"Don`t make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
"Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
Adam Levine beating me out for sexiest man contest is complete bullsh*t.
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet.
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
Does `virgin wool` come from sheep the shepherd hasn`t caught yet? ..just asking
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to just ignore you.