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Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
Sometimes all you need, is 500 million dollars.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
I hate it when Hippos fall on me when walking home from school... :D
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
my boss told me to start the presentation with a joke,so I showed my payslip.
Beach Rule #17: Never ask anyone under the age of 35 if they`ve seen your shuttlecock
Jack and Jill Went up the hill To have a little fun. Jill, the dill, Forgot her pill, And now they have a son.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?
It`s not "you`re" or "your". It`s mine. It`s all mine, everything is mine!