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I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
If life Sucks, what makes you think death doesn`t Blow??
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you`re one of them.
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
The problem with the world is intelligent people are full of doubts, while stupid people are full of confidence.
When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.
Somebody told me I`m horrible with names.
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
How much time has to pass before grave robbing is considered archaeology?
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
That moment of shame when an automatic door doesn`t open for you