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This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.
You bring everyone a lot of joy ... when you leave the room.
My internet is so slow, it`s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
Don`t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
I can`t decide what`s more embarrassing - the fact that I still live out of a suitcase, or that I`m a professional ventriloquist dummy.
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
I`ve found that nowadays most people don`t like holding hands in public. Especially if you don`t know them.
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
I`m not sarcastic…I`m just intellegent beyond your understanding.
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?
Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time