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My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.
I feel like a piece of corn in the digestive tract of life ~ I`m going through a lot of crap but I`m sure I`ll come out whole.
Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.
I`m one more bottle of wine away from starting a blog.
Kids today don`t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
I think it`s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
I say No to drugs but they... won`t listen.