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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
If anyone asks, I`m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
off to bed...evil schemes don`t dream themselves up.
Valentines day
I dont think McDonald`s french fries are real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect ... Tasted fine, too.
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
Mom said angels are watching over me. I`m just afraid they`re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
I don`t use cocaine, I just like the way it smells.