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It was love at first sight...I should have looked twice.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
If McDonald`s was smart they`d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn`t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
I was the hot single in my area the whole time.
Friends would describe me as classy, sassy and a bit smart-assy.
Screw it, just add another blade." -Gillette marketing concepts.
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.
If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo`s show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it`s Halloween because our family reunion was in July....