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It`s not everyday you find a $50 bill in your pocket, I didn`t, but like I said it`s not everyday..
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their browser history.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
My death bed confession is going to be epic!
I`m only 2 girls short of a threesome.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Do one thing every day that scares you. Or one thing that scares other people.
Sometimes its better to eliminate the problem rather than trying to solve it.
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
"Well, now I see how you came up with the word `Microsoft`." -Melinda Gates (on their wedding night)
When I was growing up, I was taught to walk and talk and when I was grown, I was told to sit down and STFU!!!
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.