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Apparently, “I had an interview with a better company” is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
What if the lightbulb had never been invented? How would we know when someone has a really good idea?
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
Be good to your nieces and nephews. One day you`ll need them to smuggle alcohol into your nursing home.
Dinosaurs never had pizza and they all died.
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
Golf is such a strange game. You shout four, shoot six, and write down five.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
Love your enemies; after all, you made them!
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"