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I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
Wanted: Magic hat for a snowman
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
Did 4 push ups & 2 sit ups then ate 4 doughnuts & drank 2 beers. It`s called balance people!
I spent 2 hours cleaning this kitchen. Mess it up and I will cut you! ... Love MOM
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.
According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.
Kim and Kanye have been married WAY longer then I expected.
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.