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Still not 100% clear on whether French Montana is a person or a steakhouse special.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
Kids today don`t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you
the ulitmate moment is when your identical twin says your ugly
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Hillybilly Word Of The Day.."Twerk"..."Welp, I`m done with lunch so I`d better get back twerk!"
I hope all your dreams come true, especially that one where you`re being chased by a giant spider.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
Don`t you just love it when you see someone who is photogenic, looks perfect in every picture but then when you see them in person you`re like EURGH God Damn! What happened to you in the last 24h!
I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.