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You cant ask "What do you mean by that?" without sounding pissed off
Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
Don`t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza....
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
I always find the "easy-open tab" right after I finally manage to tear the package open with my teeth.
If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “real life” they would offer a class called “working with a$$holes”
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. :)
Apparently telling the airline stewardess that airplane food is "da bomb dat hijacked my tastebuds" is not considered a compliment......
So exactly what age will I stop falling over while trying to put on my underwear?
I`m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.