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Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
The irony of social media is that the majority of users are all alone.
I want to give up coffee, but I`d hate to do that to my coworkers.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34C
Know the rules well so you can break them effectively.
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
Oh well, this time isn`t going to procrastinate itself.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
you can´t drink all day if you don´t start in the morning
My life is based on a true story
Maybe don`t show me a picture if you don`t want me to rate your baby.
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.