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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it’ll be dinner time.
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
I’m exhausted just thinking of everything I have to do.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to "what would you do if you won the lottery"
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
went to vegas: put a coin in the machine and a prize came out, put another coin and another prize came out...problem is i don`t know what to do with all these empty cans now.
I’ve already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I’m gonna “come on down” whether they call my name or not.
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
B!tch life isn`t a garden ... So stop being a hoe!
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can`t flick your friends out the car window
I`ll admit I`m not perfect but what did the horse I rode in on do?
The less you know, the more you think you do.
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.