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lol <- looks like a stick man drowning. lol
If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.
Never trust a skinny chef
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
Some people just need sympathetic pat.........on the head........with a hammer
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
The color 9 is my favorite letter.
Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted.
some mornings i wish i could sneak up behind my alarm clock and say, "HOW DOES IT FEEL?!!"
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
Maybe don`t show me a picture if you don`t want me to rate your baby.