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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
Iām the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
I look so young for my rage.
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
I never thought you could really guess too low whenever a woman asks you her age. I guess 6 was pushing it.
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.
In life you will meet all sorts of people, happy, moody, shy, loud, weird, and then there`s me So deal with it mmuhaaaaaaaahaaahaaaa that`s right !
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.