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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
If a bra is called an `over the shoulder bolder holder`, then what would you call men underwear? Under the butt nut hut
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
If you workout and don`t post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
I think I just discovered Newton’s third law of Emotion: ..... "For every male action, there is an equal and opposite female overreaction."
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
When do you take 5 hr energy? Right when I get off work ..12am!..beer here I come!
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.