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Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
If everything goes as planned, tonight I shall drink myself beautiful.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
Don´t wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect.
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
My love for you is beyond words so don’t expect a Valentine’s Day card from me.
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
Well it`s almost time for that " New Year -- New Me " bullsh_t again!