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I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
When people with multiple personality disorders are about to die, whose life flashes before their eyes?
The good thing about being tall is, you can`t get lost in a crowd. The bad thing is, you can`t get lost in a crowd.
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
I hate Russian nesting dolls. They`re so full of themselves
If I have to stir it, it’s homemade.
Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that´s how us guys feel about push-up bras!!
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you’re prettier than your ex’s new girlfriend.
All I want is to see you smile...that and maybe a pizza.