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Man, this Trojan gum I bought tastes terrible ... Blows amazing bubbles though
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
There is something so unique about me, that even I can`t figure it out...
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a lot of wine drinking.
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
Whenever i see a facebook page Celebrate; "We have reached 200K fans". I just ask myself, do they know how many of those 200K died or left facebook or can`t remember their password after they liked the page?
Why is it never opportunity that`s knocking? Instead, it`s usually cops with a warrant...
Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I`ll be watching you. - Dog
You can’t please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.