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There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
Beer is good, but beers are better.
What`s the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller" ?
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
If you don’t cuss when you drive you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
Don`t get me wrong, Chinese food is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe that a chicken fried this rice.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy don`t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
I`m so bitchy right now ... I won`t even talk to myself!!
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone