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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad, I’ll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
Ok everybody. Please look in your bedroom closet. I got my stalking notes mixed up and don`t know where I am.
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
My advise to all the young people out there, "Do not grow up; it`s a trap!!"
A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.