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Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
JOKE OF THE YEAR: Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
I`ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-wife`s killer, but no one will do it.
From all these shows I`ve watched it seems like snipers lay down a lot of the day....I`d probably be pretty good at that job.
The institutions won`t take me so I am all yours.
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.
roses are red,violets are blue,god made me beautiful, what happen to you..
You care so much about me? Keep that sh*t to yourself i got my demons under control
In honor of this years` Super Bowl participants respective States of residence, they`ve changed kickoff to 4:20 Eastern Standard time.
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver