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Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
It really freaks me out that I have a skeleton living inside me......
It’s 2015, why cant you unselect a floor in an elevator yet?
If you can`t handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in
If you boil a clown, do you get laughing stock?