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I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
If this world got any smaller I`d probably fall off - George T. Ignace
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
Must be lonely over there on "I`m offended by jokes" island.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I`m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I`m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn`t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison
Sometimes, I question my sanity ... Sometimes, it replies