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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
According to my neighbor’s journal, I have boundary issues.
I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I`ve come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.
I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.
Someone’s therapist knows all about you.
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
I get my cardio from caffeine...
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn`t have toilet paper with aloe.
You dont know sh!t about pressure until you`re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you
Pizza: Round food, cut into triangles and put into a square box.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming