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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains. Kind of like when I see my wife going thru my phone.
life is unfair theres 6 days between monday and sunday but only 1 between sunday and monday
My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
I don`t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids` history textbooks.
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.
Good For OJ, he gets to take another stab at life..