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The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
Don`t just lay there... Move! Bounce! Do something!! ~ me, pleading with my hair
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!
She said there`s no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I`m supposed to just "forget about it"?
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
It`s hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food
Wait, whaddya mean... cookie dough can be baked? Seriously?
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”
Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you`re not hanging out with enough people.
You find it offensive? ... I find it funny ... That`s why I`m happier than you.