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Parallel lines have so much in common, it`s a shame they`ll never meet
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
You`ve got to love yourself. But not in public places.
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.
Life`s short ... Drink fast
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.
What if Justin Bieber is also Miley Cyrus? I mean have you ever seen them in one place at the same time?
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.