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Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
It should be standard for wedding invitations to state if there will be an open bar or not.
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
It`s funny to watch all these people Bumping Up their own posts.
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
"I`m not drunk" - Biggest Friday Night Lie.
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.
My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn`t a very nice postcard to receive.
I ordered some bubble wrap online. It arrived in a box surrounded by packing peanuts.
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution Bitches Be Trippin
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.
Im switching some friends from my Facebook account to my Fakebook account.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.