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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Watching a funny movie after watching a scary one too try to reduce the risk of nightmares.
Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better ... Well, for me anyway.
?"I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren`t you wearing pants" look."
Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Sometimes I feel like people I know are just using me for my likes.
I`m just going to start wearing a shirt to work that says "I`m good, thanks for asking."
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
I`m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don`t really get the metric system. How much exactly is "in moderation"?
I’m back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.
I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing