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My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
I have Beer.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
You know you`re poor when you sneak into Sam`s Club with some random family just to eat samples for lunch. Yay... Christmas
Falling in love when lonely is a lot like shopping when hungry, you end up with a bunch of sh!t you don`t need.
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!
Hope dogs are kissing us and not trying to see if we started tasting good yet.