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I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. ..Especially since I walked there. :)
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
I kind of feel like getting some work done today, so I’m just going to sit here until that feeling passes.
When I was growing up the TV was my nanny.
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
You being crazy doesn`t bother me. It`s you being crazier than me...That makes me freakin` jealous.
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life
I would want to change my name to `Nobody` on Facebook. So when someone updates something stupid it says `Nobody likes this`
I didn`t know until this week that so many people I know are politicians...