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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone`s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
I pay $200 a month for car insurance, I`ll run all the red lights I want
If it`s really the thought that counts, we`re ALL screwed. LOL ;)
Ladies: Sometimes you just need to throw your arms up in the air and say, "Tie me up"
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
I`m God`s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I`m not fat. My stomach is in 3D
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
I`m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened days ago.