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I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Marriage tip: Don`t
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
You never hear skinny people saying, "I`m just small boned."
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,it`s given me another reason to stare.
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
Settle down homemade play dough parents.
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
my phone battery lasts longer than relationships this days !
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I think I`m funny - but looks aren`t everything
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.