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That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Just Failed my Health and Saftey Test.The question was,"What steps would u take,in case of a fire?!"Big f*cking ones"was the wrong answer.
"Something`s wrong. He`s never walked this far before."- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
Wear black: all the non-conformists are doing it.
Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right.
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
LOSE WEIGHT FAST! Mix equal parts warm water, apple cider vinegar, & lemon juice toss that disgusting sh!t into a sink & get on a treadmill.
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.
I don`t use cocaine, I just like the way it smells.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.