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Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it`s Wednesday.
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
Nothing like calling off work and watching porn all morning.
I met a girl who told me that she broke up with her last boyfriend because he just didn`t work out. Which is when I knew, she wasn`t the one for me, as I hate to work out as well.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
I am taking a shot for every “like” I get on this status. Then again, I’m taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.
wishes that more people would declare thumb wars these days. I`m sure that all this texting has prepared my thumb muscles for battle.