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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
I have every episode of Hoarders saved on DVD.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
That awkward moment when you type your password where you should`ve typed your email, and your friend`s standing right there -___-
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.