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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
my ex girlfriends started they`re own website they call it two faced book...
There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
Do one thing every day that scares you. Or one thing that scares other people.
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
screw flowers, its all about chia pets ;)
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is "BURN HIM, HE`S A WITCH"
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphics.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs