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My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.
If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
What if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs?
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks
If “dress for the job you want” were true, there would be a lot more people wearing capes.
Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
It`s hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.