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I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
Now that I`m on Facebook, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
"It`s the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
The fact that Burger King can sell you 10 chicken nuggets for $1.49 should concern you more than it should entice you.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
English = Hello. Spanish = Hola. French = Bonjour. Japanese = Konnichiwa. Chinese = Nî Hâo. Italian = Ciao. Me = Sup B*tches.
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
Live each day like someone else is paying for drinks
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.