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My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
Why periods? Why can`t Mother Nature just text me and be like, "Whaddup Girl?, You ain`t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to ya next month."
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
To drink, or not to drink?...what a stupid question!
I was feeling down...then all of a sudden I felt myself up. Win, win situation! ;)
I`m allergic to gluten free diets.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
You don`t even want to know the things I have done for a Klondike Bar...
When your feeling down, I will be there to feel you up. ;)
I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won`t notice, but, buy a new phone case...
I`m thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there`s this thing called Google now
I have nothing!