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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
What`s the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
I can`t decide what`s more embarrassing - the fact that I still live out of a suitcase, or that I`m a professional ventriloquist dummy.
Be wary of someone who calls all their exes crazy. They`re probably the reason.
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that`s another weakness
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Hell Yes.
A day without sunshine is like, you know... night
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You`d think someone could`ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.