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Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I know the voices aren`t real but they have some great ideas.
Never take advice from me, you`ll only end up drunk......
It`s amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality.
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.
It should be a rule that if you dress up like a red hair clown , you get a free happy meal at McDonalds .....I`ll pay this time , but I`m not happy ... !!
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.
My local news station says it gives us " news when it breaks " ...I want unbroken news!!