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As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
Marriage. Because your sh!tty day doesn`t have to end at work.
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren`t there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
Half of my life has been spent hoping people don’t see me.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can`t see them pick their nose?