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The first rule of selfie club should be to clean your room.
I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
If life Sucks, what makes you think death doesn`t Blow??
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
If you think your having a bad day ... You could be digging your own grave at gun point and find buried treasure.
I grew up in a town where the population never changed… Every time a girl got pregnant, a guy left town
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
ever wonder if one day somebody will come knocking on your door and say “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?"