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I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.
Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
I used to be a terrible flirt ... I am much better at it now.
I hate it when I think I`m buying organic vegetables and I get home to discover they`re just regular doughnuts.
Please just put it in the fridge.... We`ll throw it away next week.
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I`m heading north to start a new life.
Behind every successful status update, there is a Ctrl C & Ctrl V
The first rule of elevator club is don`t talk to other members of elevator club.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should have died in 1732.
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn’t hear you the first 100 times.