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I need new swear words.
Light travels faster than sound.. That is why some people appear bright until they speak.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today, or flash them your boobs...... Strangers love boobs!
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
Never squat with your spurs on
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
No one your age has any idea what they`re doing either. No matter what age you are.
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
I find myself highly addicted to books as of late. Once I start coloring the first few pages I can`t stop....
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.