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The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breathe.
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnapping?
I know the voices aren`t real but they have some great ideas.
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
McDonald`s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself “Enough is enough, that’s plenty of awesome for one day”
I have problems cleaning my house because I get distracted by all the fun things I find.
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!