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I put the o in illiterate!
French people give me the crepes.
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
Not every flower can say love...but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst...but a cactus did. Not every idiot can read, but look at you go!!!! lol
Apparently you can not demand to be strip searched.
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
I got a Rolex for my birthday from my lesbian friends. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
"LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can`t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.
Sometimes I get a little sad and feel like being alone. But then I talk to my dog about it and he reminds me I`m Awesome. Then WE DANCE.