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Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.
Great. Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he`s making noises with his gum
When will vegeterians stop eating my food`s food??
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
If a$$holes could fly, this place would be an airport
I need a "previously on your life" recap for the things I didn`t pay attention to.
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
Darn right I’m good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?