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A bee will knowingly risk its own life just to cause you a little pain. I can totally relate to that feeling.
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
I wish I could veto MY bills.
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
Don`t expect me not to hopscotch all over your house if you have fancy tiles.
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer ... That`s all.
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying. I checked.
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.