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These last 7 hours at work are always the longest.
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
99% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I`m part of the other 5%.
Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
I guess not everyone at this grocery store is as comfortable with my nudity as I am. ;)
Experience is what you get, when you don`t get what you want
You`d think my password was "yourmom" because the computer said it was too easy.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...
You care so much about me? Keep that sh*t to yourself i got my demons under control
I hate fake people...especially the ones at the mall advertising clothes in front of the stores