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You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
I really hate it when someone else creates something that I haven`t had the chance to think of first...
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?
I wish I could write `` I Miss You `` on a rock and throw it at your face, so you can know how much it HURTS to miss you
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" but I can`t drive a bus.
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device. I call it "No air conditioning".
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
I don`t fear death... It happens to everyone. I just hope when I am dead and buried, I don`t vote Democrat.