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I`m not saying I`m lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my car so I just wrote back "nah"
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you´ll have to catch up.
I believe in magic because it`s the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can`t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
I decided I really need to read more. I watch way to much TV ... So I turned on the subtitles.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
Feeling pretty good about myself today so I`m going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you`re not hanging out with enough people.