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Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.
Gentlemen may not be extinct, but they are definitely endangered
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
If I`ve learned anything about picking up woman at the super market it`s to stay away from those in the tampon isle.
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.
I dropped my affordable health care because I couldn`t afford it .
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
NASCAR pit crews are always retiring. Let it sink in: now laugh
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”