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There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
Oh, I have an idea!!..oh wait, no I don`t
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
Life is what you make it = 10% Shit happens = 90%
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, nevermind, you will know who you are soon enough
I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?
I was jogging earlier and...LMAO, I`m sorry...I can`t start a status with such ridiculousness.
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
I`m glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you
My number was 0...
Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.