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When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
No Shirt No Shoes No Service. What about pants?
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
I bought powdered water but I don`t know what to add to it.
Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.
Time to walk the cow and milk the dog, Happy Hump Day!
Of all the possible utensils that could have been invented to eat rice with... How did 2 sticks win out!?
I dont have awkward moments I have "special" moments.e.g That "special" moment when my "special" ex learns that karma exist..
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.