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I solve my problems by blatantly ignoring them and going on the internet.
you know why maths is unhappy? because it got so many problems.
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
Happy "Another excuse to drink" Day!
Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
Actually told a girl who`s moving to France soon that "there`s lots of French people over there". It`s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
AWESOME!
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.