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I`ll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.
I went to McDonald`s to grab my boys a couple of Happy meals. The guy serving me says "Would you like a Boy Toy"? I was like, "listen hear you little sh!t, you couldn`t handle me if you tried"!! What is this world coming too... :))
I took my family to Sea World this weekend, but i wasnt allowed in. Apparently you cant take your fishing rod.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won`t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it`s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I love sleep ... it’s like a Time Machine to Breakfast.
Walmart: Because where else in the world can you pay $50 to have your oil changed by someone with a GED, find a sized 46H bra, or run the risk of being filmed live on location with the men and women of law enforcement on your way out the door.
I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket
I`ve officially met everyone`s mother yesterday via Facebook so I`m pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
Don`t have sex man, it leads to kissing and pretty soon you will have to start talking to her..
Fun fact: Deciding where to eat is the leading cause of divorce
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.