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I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
See, this is why I never like too wake up, it means doing things.
I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
What do you get when you cross a pitbull with a computer? I don`t really know but when it megabytes, it megahertz
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
Fact: if you give your boyfriend a bj each time you act crazy, he`ll not only forgive you,but eventually be thrilled when you act nuts.
Don`t just be one of those people who stares at their phone or computer twelve hours a day. It`s important to also watch some TV.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"
If "Cops" has taught me anything it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they`re nothing but trouble...
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.