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"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
SCIENCE FACT: If you close your eyes, you won`t be able to see.
I couldn`t find the word `Disappear` in the dictionary. Strange!
Ever seen a person so disgusting you hold your breath when you walk by them? Yea I have.
It must really suck to take life so seriously that you can’t enjoy it.
I`ve got my wise-ass in my smartypants so I`m ready for anything!
I hate it when people rub things in my face... unless it`s two boobs.
I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.