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Some women need to realize that showing cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
FYI: The signs that say "Falling Rocks"....I tried it.....it doesn`t.
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."
It`s a beautiful day. I think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit
I am a drinker ... Hear me pour
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
F is for friends who do stuff without you.
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
One day id like to have a brand new Iphone like the lady in front of me with the food stamps.
You dont know sh!t about pressure until you`re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
If you needed to wear camouflage in a gingerbread house, would you wear ginger snaps?
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"