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Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won’t judge you because I too will be in my pajamas.
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
"I don`t care if you think it sounds gross, that`s what we`re calling it" -Guy who named the sweater.
Dear Maytag: Why don`t your dryers have a Fold cycle? It`s 2018 for chrissake!
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you`re nuts.
It`s depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.
According to my nipples, there is a 99% chance it`s cold as hell right now!
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
is here. Now what are your other two wishes?
I´m really bored but too lazy to do anything about it.
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.
If I was just learning English and you told me a sport called BOXING takes place in a SQUARE area called a RING, I`d probably give up.