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I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
Insomnia causes questionable browser history.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, " Notice anything different?`... works EVERY time
m for Monday t for Tuesday wtf Wednesday Thursday Friday get it wtf
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.