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Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
You never really know how many inches you`re gonna get or how long it`ll last. Snow, maybe.
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
I can`t believe it`s been a year since I didn`t become a better person....
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
It`s time to wave goodbye to winter. Guess what finger I`ll be using?
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
Here`s hoping the wind at your back doesn`t come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick`s Day!
A woman saying "I`m not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won`t feel a thing."
When I`m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.