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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
Saw my Ex with some guy at a bar last night... so I ordered a beer, took a few sips then gave her date the rest of my drink... Walked away.
You should have been a chicken and just went home.
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
On the Internet you can be anything you want ... It`s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
I wonder when people without cars pick their noses…
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
Hey, did you know that in two days, tomorrow will be yesterday!
One man’s LOL is another man’s WTF.
Keep up the good work, people who make free porn available.