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Yadot rorrim eht fo edis gnorw eht no pu ekow I. (I woke up on the wrong side of the mirror today.)
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn`t for any religious reasons. They couldn`t find three wise men and a virgin.
The wife and I never really argue except on where to vacation. I wanna go to the beach and she wants to come with me
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
"You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.