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Does lying face down on this carpet make me look unsociable?
A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
Today I think I`ll go to a public restroom and wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
why would you go outside? that`s where bugs live
I think I just discovered Newton’s third law of Emotion: ..... "For every male action, there is an equal and opposite female overreaction."
You’d think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.
HANGOVER!!!!! it`s God`s way of sayin "u kicked a$$ last night"
The guy who invented the Time Machine has just died.... RIP DAVE JONES 2187-2014
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
I trust Snapple facts more than CNN and Fox News.
I only party on 2 occasions. 1. When it’s my birthday 2. When it’s not…
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.