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Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
The whole purpose of vacationing is to make you appreciate knowing where the channels are at home.
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
My neighbor was singing in the shower again this morning. I didn’t mind though as I can`t hear anything through the telescope.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of your eye but half the time there is anything in my eye its an eyelash!
Does running away from your problems count as exercising? If it is, then I`m one hell of a fitness freak
I`ve decided!! I’m giving up my New Years resolutions for Lent.
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.
Love your enemies; after all, you made them!
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Elevators are so stupid. They have a button for the floor I`m already on.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I went to the Dr today with severe headaches .. he asked if I suffered from any memory loss. I said "How the F would I know?"