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I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
My friends are the kind that would flirt with the fireman while my house was burning down.
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you`re the worst employee at a toy factory
I`m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.
I remember when the internet was two tin cans and a string.
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
I don`t know why people say "your guess is as good as mine"? ..because my guesses are always better. ;)
If you win a years supply of calendars, you would only win 1 calendar.
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
Don`t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
It`s remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
I am sorry I wasn`t being completely honest when I said I was normal.