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Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I poured some shampoo over my speakers today and they blew up... So much for EXTRA VOLUME.
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
Him: What to play Trivial Pursuit? Her: Sure, But I,m not that smart. Him: What to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Every pair of panties can be a thong if your a$$ is big enough.
In honor of this years` Super Bowl participants respective States of residence, they`ve changed kickoff to 4:20 Eastern Standard time.
I don`t get in trouble, I just get into questionable situations.
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)