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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
some people just need a high-five......in the face......with a chair!
You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
You`d think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a friend.
I`d say that 6:30 is the best clock time, hands down.
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest…just not more than I don’t want to.
I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don`t see how it`s any of your business.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!