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Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
I wish the "Do not ask me again" option existed in real life.
The Great Wall of China has brought more foreigners than it has kept out.
TEIAM - problem solved
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
The bears had it right choosing to hibernate all winter.
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
Sometimes I think "Screw this ... I`ll just be a stripper!"