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I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don`t have to hear what she`s talking about.
Work is the result of failing to procrastinate effectively.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
Remember, pretty much all of the “tough guys” you see on TV and movies were theater majors in college.
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
I`m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
Sometimes you just have to logout...
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
Here`s a fun idea: Before your next party or get together, buy some liver and other cuts of meat. Put them in clear containers and put labels on them with random names ("Clarice", "Richard", etc). Then put them in your refrigerator. For even more fun, put some empty containers beside the fridge with your friends` names on them....
My wife just changed here facebook status from "Married" to "widowed", should I be scared?
I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I`d rather shit in my hands and clap !"