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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
I don`t care about your status...
Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
The problem with working from home is the absence of sexual harassment.
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
My favorite sexual position is pretty much any of them. I`m just glad to be involved.
Don`t worry about old age, it doesn`t last that long.
I`m available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
Mondays are middle finger approved
Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
Why the hell isn`t the iphone`s battery life called "Apple Juice."
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.