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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
If it requires pants, its not happening today.
The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
I can`t believe I was late for work tomorrow..
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
I’m old enough to know what’s bad for me and young enough to do it.
I’ll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
Everyone, please... a moment of silence for all my married friends who have a shared Facebook account.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, “try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal”
Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.
Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch