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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
If you`re ever held at gun point, just remember, I`m behind you 100%.
I bought my Ex a chair ... But the state won`t let me plug it in.
I bought my mother in-law one of those atomic clocks. I can`t wait for the alarm to go off.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
I bet every guy would be faithful if God took an inch off his d!ck every time he cheated...
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.
Dating Tip: Find a partner with a compatible phone charger.
Whenever I receive a text saying bahaha, I like to believe you are a sheep on drugs.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.