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"Haha" - me when I don`t understand the reference
I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
It`s not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn`t figure out how to get the cork back in it.
Lots of people waiting in lines today. Did a new iPhone just come out?
I went to McDonald`s to grab my boys a couple of Happy meals. The guy serving me says "Would you like a Boy Toy"? I was like, "listen hear you little sh!t, you couldn`t handle me if you tried"!! What is this world coming too... :))
If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.
I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
My Facebook movie is already in the dollar bin at Walmart.
No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive, I won`t have a clue how to get back here
When 12 year old girls call each other honey and sweet heart...