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I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
Perverts can contribute to society. Look at the disturbed individual who discovered cow`s milk.
Remember kids- Respect your fathers! Besides, before you came out of your moms, you came out of your dad.
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
If two cannibals fight, does that make it a food fight?
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
Why would you live in a place where the air hurts your face?
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?