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Why is it that whenever there`s two women in a profile pic, the hot one is always someone else..?
Saw my Ex with some guy at a bar last night... so I ordered a beer, took a few sips then gave her date the rest of my drink... Walked away.
A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
Just Failed my Health and Saftey Test.The question was,"What steps would u take,in case of a fire?!"Big f*cking ones"was the wrong answer.
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
I like how Sesame Street just casually has a vampire hanging around.
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
Hope you don`t mind if I make transformer sound effects when we switch positions.
I guess at a job interview "firing you" is not an acceptable answer when asked where I see myself in a few years.
Whatever it is ... I didn´t do it!
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
Our kids biggest challenge will be to find a username that`s not already taken.