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When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
I just watched a puppy do something really cute. It was like a real life YouTube video.
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
Ya, Wednesday sucks but… it could be Monday!
Tomorrow, history will be made. Months and months of advertisements and anticipation has led up to this historic day. America will see firsthand what is surely to be a historic event, and I am proud to say I will do my part and pick up my copy of Halo 4.
I`ve been struggling with my laziness. I can`t decide if I should sit down and do nothing or lie down and do nothing.
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
I do take my job seriously; To make sure there are no day old donuts at the local coffees shop.
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
Roses are red, Violets are blue... Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you thought this would be something sweet and charming, but it`s just some garden facts.
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can`t have both.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.