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Maybe the reason Uncle Phil hated Will was because the first thing Will gave him was a $3700 cab ride bill from Philly to Bel-Air.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
Sometimes I order fajitas at a restaurant just to get more attention.
Car sex is not fun...that tailpipe BURNS
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
When your running down the street on fire, people will get out of your way
I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.
Wow....turns out I`m NOT a Ninja. That really hurt.
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
Setting an alarm is how we ruin days that haven`t even started yet.
Procrastination: when "make a bucket list" is on your bucket list.
I wish karma would send me email notifications.