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My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
Let`s lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
woman belong in the kitchen? thats where the knives are you fool.
New College Admissions Test ______ not getting into this college: A. Your B. Ur C. You`re D. U`re
My neighbours diary say`s I have boundary issues.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend.......who`s in with me?
I`m just saying a sarcasm font could go a loooong way!
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them
We`ve spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
take a left on crazy, keep going until you hit insane. Follow that down to lunatic, turn right on insomnia, way past retarded and there you are @ my place!
Be nice to your kids. They get to choose your nursing home.