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Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
This Donut-Scented Car Air Freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Starbucks announced guns are no longer allowed in their stores. Seems crazy banks didn`t think of this.
Life`s tough. It`s tougher if you`re stupid...
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes...
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
I will be responsible for my actions....when my actions become more responsible.
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
why do people with bad teeth always have a smile on there face
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.