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Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
I got drunk last night and my house wasn`t where I left it.
I should be able to take a sick day if I am sick of the people I work with.
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
All other things being equal, tall people use more soap.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that."
Hopefully because of social networking, I`ve tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.
Noise cancelling toilets should be a thing.
If I’m going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then I’m going to need a bigger rug.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you`re a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.